Settin' My World On Fire

pull-the-triggerr:

psychologicalsock:

kiss-my-sassyness:

HOLY FUCK THE NOTES.

If you’re my follower and you don’t reblog this we have a problem~ 

HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THE NOTES

you better reblog this.

So I did the one thing that I never let myself do, and that was cry. I never let myself cry ever, crying for me is a sign that I have hit my fucking rock bottom and that I need to start making changes. The last time I was cried was before I was in college, and I started college in 2008. My life is a fucking train wreck currently, I hate living at home, hate being called a maid and hate that my family life is shit but I’m rocking in every other portion of my life currently. When your parents don’t even fucking congratulate you for winning award , that will fuck with even the best person, but when someone is battered and broken as I am, the hurt is a million times worse. When I have to make decisions between food and gas or buying a pair of shoes because I don’t want to ask my parents for the money, the hurt is a million times worse. When I try to best that I can be and make you proud and you ask why I am wearing that, the hurt is a million times worse. When I try to forget the guy, who sexual abused me when I was 8 years old, and you are still friends with his parents and never told them and talk about him when I am around, the hurts is a million times worse. When you say that that me wearing guys clothes for the past 12 years is just a phase and that I will grow out of when I graduate from college, the hurt is a million times worse. When you own daughter can’t remember the last time you told her that you loved her and is proud of whom she is, not upset about who she is not, the hurt is a million times worse.

This is not meant to be dramatic, this is not meant to feel pity on me, we all have our demons that we have to deal with, but when I get to the point that I sit and actually allow myself to cry in the shower for ½ hour, shit done got real. I spent most of yesterday hung-over from the night before, and then started drinking  around noon today. I try so hard, to keep a smile on my face, not let my scars show, but there become a point where you are like fuck it, and get of my ass.

Then I think why am I crying and I am crying because I try so hard to stay strong that sometimes you just need to break down to know you are human. To know that shit will hopeful get better if the future and that it won’t always be like this. That people will one day love you for you are and not all this petty as bull shit that seems to be in my life. That you will be loved for being you and no one trying to change you to fit this mold of what they think you should be.

So there are just a few things I would like to say I am sorry for

I am sorry for not being the girl you wanted me to be.

I am sorry that I am so stressed out that, I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I am sorry that I am not that traditional feminine girl who will bow down to what “The Man” says.

I am sorry that I will never be seen as normal to you and that you will always want to change me.

I am sorry that all my best friends have ever been white and you wish I had more black friends.

I am sorry that I am a lesbian, even though you don’t have confirmation yet, I know it will be a bitch fest when you find out.

I am sorry that I was abused when I was 8 years old, and you didn’t learn about until I was 16 and you somehow made yourself to be the victim in this situation.

I am sorry that I am not a maid, because I am trying to do 1000 other things to stay out of the house.

I am sorry that my best friend is 10 hours away and I miss her so much everyday.

I am sorry that I don’t tell people how I feel and that I have been in love with a girl for like 6 months and don’t have the nerve to tell her because I live at home and have no game.

I am sorry that my brother is the normal child, for being straight and a manly man with a girlfriend.

I am sorry that I don’t make enough money at my internship to be able to pay for school fully.

I am sorry that I get the an outstanding achievement in my major and get an award, but you talk more about my brother passing his classes.

I am sorry that I have been in therapy for 6 years, which don’t even pay for any more because you think I am better and don’t have those high school issues to deal with anymore.

I am sorry that everyone I have ever loved as walked away from me and I stay guarded all the time now.

I am sorry that that you won’t be getting that extra money every month for my car insurance every six month because I took it into my own name.

I am sorry that me owning you $175 dollars for my kindle causes you so much stress, but yet owing me $5000 is not that much big deal.

I am sorry that you didn’t save money for me to college on because you just assumed that I would have a full ride somewhere.

I am sorry that you are embarrassed when people ask if I am girl or a boy when we go out to eat.

I am sorry that I am such a burden on your life because me working 20 hours a week, going to school 16 hours a week, trying to start a business, deal with all of the different organizations, eat and all of the other shit I do is not enough.

I am sorry that I am a disappointment because I am in technology and have to fight and uphill battle to succeed.

I am sorry that at the end of the day, I just want to be loved and I don’t even feel that most days.

I am sorry that I rather sleep in my car some days in the parking garage at school than come home.

I am sorry that I just can’t let go of my stress, because my stress is my life and I don’t think you would want to let go of that.

I am sorry that I marked up this “pretty body” with scars and tattoos, but the emotional scars hurt so much worse.

A lot of these things most people would say that I shouldn’t feel guilty for, that they are not your fault. But I do feel guilty because I feel like a failure for these things, even though they make me who I am, I still feel guilty. It is messed up, and most days all I want a hug and for someone to tell me that everything will be all right. For someone to rub my back and say that it will be okay. I just want to know that I am fucking loved who I am, because I don’t get it that often.  I am not saying this to be a brat, or that I am spoiled by any means. I work for everything that I have, but all I want is love and to be loved, is that so damn hard to find.  Rant over, but I am still crying, crying over all this shit I shouldn’t be sorry for, for who am I and how I am, but yet the tears still flow.

Like seriously, cause like I only want to use the word girlfriend for some one I am dating, but want to have something to say about other girls that are friends? Can anyone help me out?

Reblog if you care.

Always.

If you don’t reblog, you have no heart. It wont kill you to have this on your tumblr.

You know that rhyme about how stick and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. Well guess that, that is somewhat true, words just don’t hurt, they will tear a person down to make them feel like they are worthless. Have more to say later on this, but just needed to get that out for right now.